


Conversion Therapy (LS)

by poetryandLSstory



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Larry Stylinson Is Real, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:13:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29204142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetryandLSstory/pseuds/poetryandLSstory
Summary: Harry is a young man (17 years old) , born in a very conservative family. He goes to church nearly every Sundays, and always do what their parents want him to do... well, when his parents are home. But one day he got caught wearing clothes he shouldn't have, and another, he got caught in a compromising situation.That is too much for his parents who decide to send him to conversion therapy.(And well this is the part that you are all waiting for ...) A conversion therapy, where he meets another guy, Louis.•	Writing from the POV of Harry•	Can be a bit dark sometimes (if you're not comfortable with it, don't read it)•	English isn't my first language so really sorry for all the mistakes I made...•	This is a fanfic and I apologise for everyone who thinks that this is disrespectful but this fictional•	You can read it even if you're not a larry (but of course there will be some inside jokes, because I mean ... green goes with blue and carrots with bananas.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson





	1. CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER ONE

“L is for the way you look at me  
O is for the only one I see  
V is very, very extraor-  
No. No way it was already the morning. I just look at my phone and yes it was indeed 6 am, and so I just shut my alarm clock, I mean yes it was almost a sin to cut such a beautiful song in the middle of it, but I mean it was 6 AM, so I kind of had an excuse.  
I start going out of my bed, automatically, not really thinking of what I was doing, I just go to my closet, take whatever comes first. I mean don’t get me wrong, I like clothes and dress myself well, but since it was my mom that buy all of my clothes, even if I was 17, I hadn’t really a lot of choice. All I can choose was between a shirt and a sweater, both white, both so boring, and it was the same for the trouser. The only thing that I really care about when I dress myself is my socks, I mean it’s the only thing that I can wear, knowing that I had them, without people being able to see them. So, this morning I come up with alien socks with “I believe” on them.  
I look at the clock, it was already 6.28, really? So, I just run downstairs, knowing I was already late for the “breakfast of the Styles’” ritual. Oh, yes in my family, we can’t have a normal breakfast, we have to had a “family breakfast”, because sleep isn’t that important if you can instead spend 30minutes with your family saying how our life is amazing because Jesus is in it. Yes, if you hadn’t figure this out yet, we are the typical Christian family. We go to church and do all this stuff. Well, my family does all this stuff; I mean, yes, I smile and follow them, always faking to believe in everything they say, but do I really agree with all this shit… no, not at all. Don’t get me wrong again, do I believe in God, I think so, but what I really hate, is how human has decided to transform the religion to create the society they wanted, but the one that could actually be good for everyone, and with all my thoughts I just sat down on my chair, of course after having helped to put all the plates and cutlery on the table.  
“So, have you got any test today?” my mum asked me and Gemma, my sister.  
“Yes, a math on, I planed of having a B+, at least” Gemma answered.  
“Of course, honey, but if you have an A+, it’s even better”  
My parents want us to have the best grades. I mean I know it’s great because that means that they want us to be successful, but couldn’t they just let us breathe sometimes.  
“And you?”  
“Yep, a music one, I ha-”  
“Oh okay, so it’s not really that important” my dad just cut me.  
Yes of course he thinks that music and art and all of this isn’t really that important. But that what I like, and yes, that’s kind of a big part of my life, well my secret life, the part that my parents, and basically everyone doesn’t know about, and believe me this part of my life is so much filled.  
“Yes, I guess” I answered 

..... 

I just arrived at school looking for my friends.  
“Hey, Liam, how are you?” I asked when I see him through the crowd of teenagers. Liam is a really good friend of mine, a friend since diapers as some could say since we know each other since we were 3.  
“Good, I’m just so tired, and well, I don’t really want to go to english course, like really, why learn a language that we already speak? “  
I just looked at him shake my head with a smirk and begin to laugh “You idiot”. Ad as we sated a conversation about random stuff that we did this weekend the ring bell, so we separate and I go to my first hours, maths.  
I begin to take my book out of my bags when my yes go intrigued by something golden the corner of my eyes. I looked up to see, one of the girls in my class, Emma if I’m correct, wearing a long sequined dress; and I just couldn’t stop staring at that dress for the rest of the hour. It was just beautiful, it was long flared, but fitted at the waist. She was wearing it with a little pearl necklace and some ballerina.  
I mean I would have worn it this with some heel but- Wait what did I say. No no I mean it has been better if she would have worn it with some heel. Yes, yes that’s it.  
“Mr. Styles, please stop looking where you’re looking at, and art looking at the board” My teacher just said.  
Wait, I thought I was discreet, but probably not, I guess.  
“And I want to see you at the end of the hour”. I just nod and then try to focus on the board without taking care of the stares that I was given by the other pupils, which I guess was confused by what the teachers just said. Good, at least they didn’t have seen me staring at her and her dress.  
….  
“So, Harry, do you have something to tell me” My math teacher just asked  
I just looked at him with the I don’t know what you’re talking about look, as the other pupils begin to leave the class to go to their second periods.  
“I know you’re a teenager, and male have needs but you shouldn’t have this kind of though, especially not in class, Understood?”  
Wait-what… I mean-What?? No, NO. Oh my god no, that is so not what I expected. I just realised what my teacher has said. And no that is not what I was thinking of, really not, yes Emma was pretty but I didn’t’ have this kind of thought about her, and of course even less in class.  
And again, did he said “Men have needs” What the fuck that does mean? You don’t say that, that is so sexist. Men can have needs, but such as women, and yet you just don’t say that at all. Men don’t have needs. It’s like saying, yes rape it’s okay, I just have to fil a need. I just wanted to start arguing with my teacher about what he just said. But he cut me: “Is that clear, anyway, I don’t want to see you staring at one of your female classmates again and I will have a talk with your parents when I will see them at church next weekend, right?”.  
What really? I just wanted to answer him with a sassy comment but as the good educated and respectful boy that I am, I just looked at him and nod, while staring to get out of the class “Of course, bye Sir”.  
“Bye Harry”.  
As I started to walk in the hallway while thinking about what my teacher just said. Of course, I didn’t have this thought about Emma, well actually has I begin to think more deeply, I ever have this kind of tough for any girls, at all. Even when my friends started talking about their girlfriends, I always nodded smile, as if to say “Yes I totally agree with you when they were talking about how “sex” they are when actually, well yes they were cute and pretty, but no, no “not sexy”. But what could I say, I think it’s better that way. It’s better that my teacher thinks that I was staring at Emma and not hat her dress, it’s better that he thinks that I was staring at her because I think she looks hot in that dress when actually I just spend the hour wondering how that dress could suit me. It’s better that he thinks that he thinks that I wanted to take off her dress from her body for the reasons that he tough while actually the only reason why I would do that was in order to wear it myself.  
Because yes, of course, it’s better for everyone to think that I want to fuck a girl that I want to wear a dress. How manly is that? 

..... 

“Harry, I saw your math teacher today at the grocery store. Can you come here for a minute?”  
Oh shit. I thought he would have forgotten or that at least I would still have 2 days before having to find an excuse since he talked to me on Monday and we were only Friday afternoon, so the church will only be in 2 days.  
“Yes mum” I say while going into the kitchen”  
“So, I-, well I mean, you know… Oh no please this is so embarrassing. You know there are things… things that happen in your body when you’re a teenager, things that make you change, things that make your mind change also… But I mean those though are…well, you know those ideas… you know … Every boy around 16/17 have this kind of thought about girls. but…. I guess it would have been better if you could talk about that with your father… but I mean”  
I just stared at her, trying my best to a smirk. Oh my god, she was just saying nonsense, like she just tried to take words and make a sentence with them, without succeeding. As a Christian family, we of course never talked about sex, I mean ... Oh my god of course, the baby just appeared on the mother’s body magically. I listed to hear speaking gibberish for 5 other minutes, trying I speak about what I know without actually talking about it, trying her best to ever say the word. She just could have been talking about tomatoes, so that was unclear.  
As I tried my best to sum up this conversation in my head I end up with “you can’t have sex with a girl before you get married because it’s a sin” well in my words of course.  
After one more minute, I just interrupt her, I have to or I’m going to laugh.  
“Yes mum, of course, I know don’t worry. I don’t know why I thought about something like that, I know it’s awful, and I’m so sorry and….” And so, I apologise for 2 minutes about something that I didn’t do.  
At the end of the conversation, we just looked at each other, and then I see a little smile on her face, as to said “I believe you”.  
“Can I go to my room now?”  
“Sorry, what?” she just looked as she was waiting for something else.  
“Can I go to my room please?”  
“Yes of course honey, we’re eating in one hour”.  
So, I just looked at her smile and get in my room. Well, it was kind of okay I think, but still, one of her sentences couldn’t get out of my mind “Every boy around 16/17 have this king of thought about girls”. No, no I hadn’t. I never had those though. I always thoughts it was good, no? isn’t just what my mum had said. I don’t know I was so confused. And so, I tried to think about Liam said once. “I mean, you know that feeling when you’re looking at a girl and your like, oh my god I just want to run into her, kiss those little lips, put my hand on her hip, and well-you know.” And with that everyone in our group of friends (only boys) agreed, of course, I agreed to, faking to remember souvenirs I never had, to make like everyone but no, I never felt that. And Oh My God, if our parents would have heard us and our conversation, they would have been so shocked, and then I start to laugh, alone in my room, just think about eh reaction of my mum if she would one day interrupt one of our conversations.

...... 

“Bye mum”  
“Where are you going”  
“Just to see I Liam is at home, stayed with him today”  
“Okay, have fun”  
It’s Saturday and I just want to chill out with my friend, I don’t even ask Liam if he was home, I'm just gonna see, and if he’s not here I will find something to do.  
“Is Liam here?” I asked after knocking at the door of his parents' home.  
“Hey Harry, no sorry, he is at her grandma” her mum answered  
“Oh okay, so… bye”  
“Bye Harry”  
Well that not really a good new, of course the day would have been better with my best friends but still, I didn’t want to go home, so yes, I could just go to the mall, I think. And so, I just take the bus. I have saved a little bit of money, from what my mum gives me to eat. Don’t worry I still eat, I just didn’t take dessert and took water instead of soda, and with that, I had 45$ in my pocket to buy me clothes, clothes that of course my mum wouldn’t’ like but, you know, how do you think I get all of this socks.  
I just entered the shop and start looking around in the male section, looking for some coloured t-shirt, passing though the boxers and socks, and above the place where all the boxers were, there was a big poster of a man, maying on a couch with well yes only his boxer. And then I start to star again, like in math class, but this time not on the clothes, because well, I mean this man was only wearing boxers, a quite normal one, just white with the name of the bran on it. And no, I wasn’t looking at that, but more at the rest of his beautiful cheekbones, his little smirk creating cute little dimples. His eyes were so mysterious and all of his faces reflected sassiness, and that was just so hot- So what?  
No no, of course I mean. It wasn’t what I was thinking. No, I didn’t think about how his tattoo was just perfect on his tan body, how is V line was visible so his boxer was low and his stomach, and how much I still wanted its to be lower and- What know, what am I thinking. I just no. Oh my... I need to get out of this place.  
And so, I just walked and walked through the store, not really looking where I was going, that’s how I ended up in the women section of this clothes, and just as I saw the exit of the shop, and being to walk for it, I saw it, the dress. Emma’s dress, and I couldn’t help myself but I just start touching the fabric of it. It was so soft. And so, without thinking I just grab it, without looking for the price or even the size just grab the first one, and going to pay for it. I automatically give it to the seller, still in though  
“Do you want a gift wrap?... Sir? Did you hear me?”  
“Sorry. What?” I just looked at her, just noticed that she was talking to me  
“A gift wrap, for the dress?... You would be the perfect boyfriend if you even your present in a gift wrap”  
“Oh, yes, ... but no tanks” And with that I just give her 30$, (thank god I had enough money) and start waking away.  
Of course, it would have been for a girl, I mean common Harry it’s a dress, and dresses are made for girls. And of course, this girl has to be your girlfriend, because of course as a boy you’re attracted to girls. And well, I don’t know if I was just annoyed by all of these comments and stereotypes, or if I was trying to convince myself by what she said, but I know that for the moment I didn’t care. All I wanted was to run to my house, and put on this dress. 

..... 

“Mum, dad, Gemma?” No response, Good, now I’m sure I could try this dress in peace, not worried that anyone could see me.  
I just run upstairs, taking all my clothes off, maybe too quickly since I king of lost balance when I tried to take off my pants, it kind of hurts but I didn’t care, I was so excited.  
And then I just stared at the dress after opening the zipper. Are we supposed to put it from the top or the bottom? I don’t really know and so go for the bottom, because well I just have to choose a side. I adjusted it and close the zipper before turning into my mirror. Thanks, got it was the right size. And-  
Well, I looked at myself, well stared at myself from my head to my feet, for one entire minute and, then I just started to cry, because it just felt so good. It feels so comfortable and amazing, the fabric against my skin and all of those feelings, the fact that the bottom of the dress was floating a little bit in the air, while I was turning, this was amazing.  
I just didn’t want to leave its, never, and it feels so normal, not strange at all, and so I just decided to stay a little more time in it. I mean, I was alone, how would that have bothered anyone.  
I spend like 2 more hours in that dress, doing random stuff, but being sure to make, sometimes, little move just to be sure that the low part will float in the air a little bit, and watching myself in every reflective surface I found. I was such in a good mood that I just put my earphones at their max while being to cook.  
…  
“You’re right Gemma this is a really di-… Oh my god, what is that?”  
And with that noise I just looked up, not to where the voices were coming from, but just up to the walls in front of me. I’m an idiot, why couldn’t just I have change myself, and then I just sighs. There was no point in running, or hiding, they have seen me, and I decide to take all the time I could get to try to find a lie.  
I start turning my head, slowly to find three pairs of eyes staring at me. My mum was just so confused, while my dad looked just so angry, all I could see was madness. But this wasn’t the case for Gemma. She just looked at me with a… pity look. Yes, she was shocked too, but not like my mum, it was more an “I’m sorry” look. But why, why would she be sorry. I was still looking at her while my father was interrupted my thoughts.  
“What the hell is that, why ar-?  
Don’t curse” my mum just said at ma father  
“What the fuck do you mean don’t curse.” He just shouting at her. “He is wearing a fucking dress Anne, A dress.” And then he suddenly turns his face to me “Why. Are. You. Wearing. A. Dress?”.  
And I just didn’t know what to answered so I just looked at the ground, not responding.  
“WHY??” he shouted again and start walking towards me and grabbing my wrist.  
“I… it’s just... I mean I…”  
“Answer with a sentence!”  
“I’m sorry it’s just I li-“  
“Sorry it’s because of me” Gemma interrupted me.  
What, why is she saying that. I just started staring at her, as my mum and father did. We all give her a questioning look but not for the same reason  
“I’m sorry, it was a dare. We make a bet and he loses so then I told him that he had to wear one of my dresses for the whole day this Saturday, but I just forget about it and I thought he has also forgotten, or he wouldn’t dare to, it but apparently no. And so well I kind of want its back know” she says with a smirk.  
“Yes, No I mean I’m the king of bet, If I lose, I do what I need to” I just come up with, well my voice sounds more convincing than I thought.  
The atmosphere was still a little bit tense, no one really know how to react, and then my father just tars laughing. “Oh my god, you scared me. Why didn’t have you just said that earlier”.  
“Sorry, it was part of the bet” I just answered.  
“Okay so, I will finish dinner” Anne said just changing the subject of the conversation while looking at me. “You can come in 15 minutes”  
I just nod and start going out of the kitchen “Oh and Harry don’t forget to change, you look like a fag” he says with a smirk. “yes of course” I said, while I tried my best to put on a fake smile.  
While I was taking off my dress, I heard someone knocking on my door. “Hey, can I come in?”  
“Yes Gemma, of course”  
She seats on my bed and we looked at each other for a minutes before I end up saying “why”  
“Why, what?”  
“Really, you don’t know while I’m asking you what?”  
“You mean while I lie about the fact that we make a bet and so this was the reason why you’re wearing a dress, or why no that I lie for you, I can borrow you that dress every time I want?”  
“Heyy” I just looked at her with a smirk and a fake upset face. “No, but really?” I say more seriously.  
“And you, why were you in a dress, I think I’m allowed to know since I lied for you”  
“I don’t know why?”  
“Really, you don’t know”  
“Yes, It was just stupid I wanted to see how it feels, how you girls feel on those clothes, and gosh! i hated it, believe me, I will never wear this kind of clothes, never.” I say faking a laugh and a disgusting face.  
“Oh my god Harry, you always have been a terrible liar” She winked at me  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about”  
“I’m sure you do” she replies and then take the dress that was laying on my bed “and now it is mine, but don’t worry I will let you borrow it when no one can see” and then she leans into my ears “besides, you look way prettier in it that I will ever do”, and with that she just gets out of my room, leaving me with my red cheeks and my mind filled with questions. 

...... 

I’m sitting in my chair, in music class. My teacher, Professor F, as we called him is giving us our test. I see him giving me my paper. I got an A+, and I see him smiles at me. I mean yes, I hoped to have a good grade, and I thought that I kind of succeeds in my test, but an A+. I’m just so happy right now. My parents, well especially my dad will probably think that it’s nothing because it’s music, and not math or English, but right now I don’t really care.  
At the end of the class, my teacher just called me “So Harry, how much do you like music?”  
“A lot” I answer, a little bit confusing by his question. “Why?”  
“Oh, don’t worry, it was just what I tough. I guess that maybe you want to work in that field later” I didn’t have to answer, the sparkles in my eyes saying everything for me. “That’s what I thought. So, it was just to tell you that I know you already play guitar, but if you want to work in that field, it’s better if you can actually play other instruments too, so maybe thought about learning piano or anything else you want. I’m just saying that because I think you’re really talented. Harry, you could really succeed in music.”  
“Thanks a lot, Professor F, but I don’t think that my parents will agree with you”.  
“You know, sometimes parents want you to become someone you don’t want to, thinking it’s the best for you, but sometimes the best is to just live the life the way you want to” he answered.  
I wasn’t sure if we were still talking about music, it was kind of deep for a conversation make at 10 in the morning, with a teacher, but I just nod, smile, and turned around.  
…  
Wow, this day was boring. I just took the bus back home with Gemma. Mum didn’t come to pick us up today, and I’m kind of nervous. We didn’t talk together since yesterday evening and “the events”. I tried to avoid her all day, but now I can’t do it anymore, feeling her looks on me while I’m trying my best to not look at her.  
“What?!” I said because I couldn’t support her staring  
“Nothing, why are you shouting at me, I didn’t say anything!”  
“So, stop staring at me”  
“I wasn’t”  
And so, I suddenly turn my head to her, ready to start southing at her again, but then I saw her eyes, filled with waters, tears ready to fall.  
“Oh no, Gem, please don’t cry because of me, I’m sorry if I shout”  
“Oh no that’s why I’m crying” I give her a questioning look “Does something happened today, are you feeling okay, do you-?”  
“Harry, I’m crying because of you but not because of you?”  
Well yes, that totally makes sense. What does she want to mean, by because and not because? I’m sorry but sometimes people are so complicated. I think she understands my misunderstanding because she continues her sentence.  
“Harry, I love you, really, so much, but I’m scared for you. Have you seen where we live? Don’t you see that this place is run by church and all its ideas. Almost everyone who lives in our neighborhood goes to church, our parents’ friends, our teachers, a woman that you can randomly see in the street or a seller at the mall, and if you don’t go... well actually you just can’t.”  
She stared at me but I still don’t really understand what she means. I mean I never said anything about church, why is she even talking about that?  
“But I go to church” I answered, a little bit annoyed. I mean it’s true, I go to this place even if I don’t want to.  
“Yes, I know, but it’s not only about going there, it’s about believing in what they say, it’s about acting like they want you to.” She sighs “You can’t be different or you’ll be rejected, by so many people. Do you understand me?”  
“What are you talking about?” What is she talking about? I think I begin to understand what she wants to say, but I really hope it’s not what I was thinking off.  
“I’m saying that” she begins to say while leaning to my ears “I will always love you the way you are, but that’s not the case for everyone… Harry, I know that this dress wasn’t a one-time thing” She is looking into my eyes, more staring at them, probably scared of my reaction, but yet, she decided to take me for a hug.  
“How?” I just said. I mean how could she knows that while I’m not even sure, myself, that I like to wear this type of clothes.  
“How what?” She smirks. “How do you know?”  
“Because I’m not oblivious, like everyone around, even you. You always compliment everyone at their looks, well, when I say everyone, I mean mostly girls, but you don’t do it like others boys do, to be polite or because you want them to like you… “She smiles at my confusing look. “Okay, you want an example... You never say “You look gorgeous in that dress”, but “Your dress is gorgeous” and the way you look at me when I put on makeup in the morning, I mean your face is screaming “please let me use it” …. “Hey stop saying that” I answer when she starts to laugh. “You’re saying that I’m wrong?” “Well, I mean that you know, obviously, I mean…. Well, no not totally...” I just smile at myself, only realizing now that, maybe what she is saying could actually be true. I always persuade myself that I was looking at her just because seeing how she was doing her eyeliner so perfectly was really relaxing, but well yes, I mean know that I’m thinking of it, there were so many times I did act like that. How couldn’t I see it? You idiot.  
“Don’t worry I will never wear a dress or this type of clothes anymore, I promise” well when someone is around, but she didn’t have to know that. I’m not ready to tell her that out loud yet, but according to the little smirk she gives me, she may already know that.  
“I’m sorry, I know that this must be hard, but Harry, you have to. If it was only the two of us, believe me, you could wear a skirt, croc-top, and anything else you want everyday”  
Wait did she just say croc-top? I never say anything about it, I actually never think about it. Do I want to wear them? Well, I mean I could try one of them when nobody can see it, no? Just to see? Yes, maybe I will do that “I know, don’t worry I promise people I will never let people found about my taste in clothes, I don’t even know it myself”  
She leans even closer to my ear, whispering.  
“Oh honey, if only it was just about your taste in clothes that I was afraid of”.


	2. CHAPTER TWO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER TWO... Sorry it's shorter

It’s already Sundays. I spend the week thinking about what Gemma told me “not only your taste in clothes”. Does she mean what I think? I mean yes, I, maybe, you know, looked at a guy in a way that I shouldn’t. But it was one time, and we talked about sex, like the day before. I guess this is just my body reaction, teenager’s hormones, showing me that I was normal, and I can be like other teenagers. It just appears to be a man picture because well, that’s all I could see at the moment, but I’m sure that if I had looked at a girl poster, I would have the same reaction, I mean no not the same but of course a more intense one. Yes, yes that’s it.  
“So, the theme of this week is abortions and homosexuality”, the preacher said.  
What? Did he read my mind or what the hell? Yes, I know cursing in a church, not the best, but I already think about sex like 3 minutes ago in the same place, so you know. Couldn’t be worst, so I don’t care? But I mean, really, it really has to be subject chose this year? Like they were nothing else in stocks? I don’t know drugs? Alcoholism? And why punting those two subjects together, I mean really, why?  
But no, the preacher continues his little annual speech about the “week of the sins”. I know, what’s that? Well at first it seems really intriguing, I mean I always laugh about how they called this week. It always looked like the name of a bad porn movie, with people trying all the kink they could think of, while actually, the name they should have given it is “How to spend an entire week of your holidays demonstrating against stuff that for the most of, nobody respects anyway?”. Yes, it’s less appealing like that isn’t it? So here we are, going on the street with signs on which it is written stuff such as “Jesus can help you” or “Homo = Hell”, and I, for my part end up with the sigh “abortion is murder”. I still don’t understand why they are mixing homosexuality and abortion, because well, if something is sure, it’s that you can’t have a biological child if you’re gay, but anyways, with my thoughts right now I prefer to end up with a sign about abortion that homosexuality, even if I still don’t believe the shit, they are saying about abortion too.  
We’re demonstrating for like two hours now, when a group of teenagers comes up with some rainbow flag, starting to well demonstrate about homosexuality too, but you know, not in the same way we are. I can’t help but be to smirk, thinking how it would be good to just switch sides, like right now, and just stared at my parent’s faces. I mean, I’m not gay of course, but I always thought, you know let them be who they want and love who they want. What do you care about other people’s private life, homosexuality isn’t a sin, well for others at least. They can be gay if they want to but me no, no fucking way, I can’t, and why am I even thinking about it, I’m straight anyway. And now, I’m here, starting to get up with the rest of the crow, facing those teenagers, like 4 feet apart, both yelling at each other  
“You fag”  
“Love is strong”  
“You are sinning”  
“kiss whoever the fuck you want”  
“You’ll end up in hell”  
And so on, but It’s just felt so wrong to be here, and my parent are so into it, that I start leaving a little bit in the middle of the crowd, looking for a place to eat something. And also leaving Gemma's eyes. She hasn’t’ stop looking at me from the entire time since the preacher had said the subject of the weeks. And, yes, I love her, but I just want her to stop looking at me like if I was going to break at any time.  
That's how I end up in a small café, taking a cappuccino and a donut. I just seat and look at the demonstration just across the street, close enough to go to it if they are moving, but far enough to not taking part in it. And with that, I just hear the door of the café opening, while a young man walks in. He was maybe 2 or 3 years older than me, skinny dark jeans, and a black shirt too, with no sleeve, and so I was able to see his many tattoos on his arm. And then again, I stared, but this time I get caught. The young man is giving me back my glance, staring at me with his blue eyes, not annoyed but more intrigued, with a little smirk on his lips. I directly turn my face, but I couldn’t help myself and start to turn my head in his direction again just to see that he was still staring at me, not looking away. I was a little bit annoyed, what does he want from me? Yes, I’m the one who stared at him first but when I get caught, I stop, but he didn’t. Here he was, staring at me, knowing that I know, and not a little bit embarrassed. And so, I start to looking at his eyes too. I mean it’s quite rude to look at a stranger this way, so why couldn’t I too. And then he smiles, not the little smirk he had before but a truly big smile, creating dimples on his cheeks, pretty little dimples. Pretty? Yes pretty. Well, I mean I say pretty, I can say pretty, I mean a chair can be pretty, and yet I’m not attracted to a chair, so yes, I can say pretty.  
“So, Hi.” the strangers said now right in front of me taking the chair with one hand and looking at me; like for asking permission to seat down. I nod, not really finding a reason why I should say no.  
“Hi”  
“I’m Louis.” he said while sitting on the chair but spilling his coffee all over the table, which results in some going on my shirt too.  
“Oops”  
“Hi”  
“You already said that” he replies with a smirk  
Yes, shit what did I said that, he is confusing me so much, and I already have trouble speaking with friends, so with strangers, please don’t make me say something stupid again.  
“I’m sorry about your shirt by the way”  
“Oh no don’t worry it’s fine, since it’s dark, nobody will see”  
“I mean I could have given you my shirt, but I will nothing have to wear then and will have to be shirtless all day long” he smiles  
Well, that does not bother me, I thought  
“What?" he said  
What... Oh my god why did I say that, what did I think that. Oh no please tell me I didn’t say that out loud.  
“What” I simply answer, trying my best to fake a confusing look.  
“Are you going to repeat yourself or me all the times” he laughs  
“What?... No, I mean…I’m Harry” I finally said, glad he didn’t understand what I said earlier, or at least thankful that he doesn’t make a comment about it.  
“Nice to meet you Harry, so you came with the demonstration.” Louis asked, pointing at the back of my signs, with actually was only cardboard, since the front, the only part on which something was written, leaned against the wall.  
“Yes, but it becomes a little bit tense so I leave, I didn’t really come to fight”  
“Yeh, me neither”  
“So, you were at the demonstration too?” I asked, maybe a little bit too surprised, and not really polite. He answers me that he indeed did, quite surprised by my tone  
“Yes, no sorry, I just, I mean… I just…. It just that I didn’t think that you were the kind of people to go to a demonstration… I’m sorry, really ... I mean- “. I never thought that someone like him, with all his tattoos and everything, will ever go to church. Please tell me that he really didn’t understand what I say before and that he wouldn’t tell everyone that I’m a little “fag”. Whatever the church community he belongs to, if he tells someone, sooner or later, and well I will bet on sooner, everyone will know.  
“It’s okay, stop saying gibberish. Are you so stressed all the time?”  
Yes, by you, you and you damn smile. How can I think straight when you’re right in front of me? Thing straight, hey... No NO. Really Harry, you think this is the moment to make jokes.  
“No, I mean, yes, maybe sometimes”.  
And then he just looked at me, through the window and start to get up. Great perfect, I scared him.  
“Hey, they are starting to get away, we don’t want you to get lost, don’t we?”  
“Ah no, uhh yes I’m coming”. When we started to be closer to the crowd, he takes my hand, with both of his big hands, and shake it “Well, Harry, it was a pleasure to meet you, I have to go back with my friends, but I hope that I will see you around” And during all this moment, he didn’t let my hands go. It was a little bit weird, but I will lie if I said that I didn’t like it.  
And so, we start leaving each other, and I start pouting while taking back my place, with my sign. I mean only Gemma had seemed to notice that I wasn’t here but that’s for the best. I start to take my sighs, looking at the people in front of us, still having Louis' face in my mind, smiling like a fool for no reason. Well, no, I actually know the reasons, but ... anyway. I shake my head and looked up to the crowd in front, and that’s when I see him. Louis, holding an LGBTQ+ flag, and he sees me too, confusion all over his face.  
What the hell is that? Why? Why? Why is he on this side? Well, no actually that is not that weird, that makes total sense actually. All is clear now, how he was smiling, how he takes my hands, how he….  
Wait, was he flirting?  
Did he thought that I was flirting back?  
Was I? 

..... 

Day 5 of this “week of the sin”. I had Louis in my mind all week, trying to remake all of our actions in my head all over again in order to see how I reacted to all of his actions, to understand what I did, and yes, seeing his face all over again wasn't such a negative point. And so, those were also my thoughts during the end of the film we had to watch.  
We were on the grass outside, with the other member of the church, and a "documentary" was projected. “Call me By Your Name” was the name if I remember, no of course just kidding, I would have paid more attention if it was this film, or actually any other one. But I actually have never seen CMBYN since all the non-religious .... well .... everything was banished, not only from my house but basically from every place of this town... All the movies, works of literature, music, pictorial art, and so on, that could be considered as works that could change people's minds and lead them on the way of sins were forbidden. That’s why I am here, watching a film about the link between abortion and murder, and how every baby can live, even babies from rape and all of this was, of course, said by men who would have left the girl the get pregnant, the day after she would have told them about the growing baby in her stomach.  
“So, Harry, could you sum up the video please?”  
What really, couldn’t he just choose someone else, but anyway I stand up and start talking about all the shit I hear for years around me. I talked about how men have totally the rights to control women's bodies and chose instead of her how to react to a pregnancy, and all of this shit, well of course in other terms, but yes that was basically what I actually thought.  
“Thanks Harry, so know, the second movie, homosexuality”.  
And so, started a long movie, with a really boring background music, and an old even more boring man trying to explain how this is all wrong. Well, the only good part of it, I thought, was that actually they weren’t as prude as I think and they really talked about sex, saying the word and everything... When the guy says “masturbations” I heard gasps of shocked parents around me, covering their child’s ears, fats as they could, and I couldn’t help but smirking a little bit at how everyone seems outraged while I’m sure that half of them have done this “word”, even if they will never admit it because of course, sex is only about reproduction. I also stared at the preacher, to be true, I was quite shocked too, not about what was saying but about how this movie just turns. He wasn’t probably expecting such a language, but I mean, you should have watched it before, that is your fault, and if you’re quitting this now, it would be weirder so, yes here we go for another hour of people saying the word “sex” in front of shocked people, for my entire pleasure.  
And not a really long time after, it even goes worst, starting showing people of the same sex kissing, only a short peck on the lips of course, but still. Sometimes I really ask myself if those people, who make church movies, aren’t quite stupid. I know it was probably to shock us, disgusting us, they may be even wanted us to throw up at how such activities are the representation of the devil. Well, it had worked a little bit, people were shocked for sure but it especially just end up being embarrassing or really funny, depending on which side you are.  
And so, a man, a professor, start talking about how it’s unnatural for a man to kiss a man, explaining crazy stuff about the anatomy of the jaw, if the man wouldn’t seem so sure about what he was saying, it would have been so fucking hilarious to hear.  
But I wasn’t really listening to him because I just couldn’t stop staring at the people in the picture. The voice of the man was becoming more and more blurry in my head while I couldn’t take my eyes off of “the kiss”, the blond guy at his hand on the brunette neck, his thumb on the man's cheeks. It was a cute kiss, not too passionate or too messy, it was a kiss without any sexual meaning, people who make those movies aren’t that stupid of course. And then I feel something, something …. down there. No NO. No way that was happening, no way oh my god, I need to get away from here. I looked quickly at the screen against, and shit, it gets even worst. I mean you have to understand me, having a boner over a picture that is actually quite innocent, like a cute little first kiss between teenagers may seem stupid but I have never seen two men kissing. I live in a church community, what do you think, with my parents always behind me, I can really use internet as I want to. And if it would have been complicated to see those type of pictures online, it surely would have been even more impossible in real life; we’re in a town ruled by the church, nobody is gays, or if someone is, you will surely not saw this person kissing his loved one in the middle of the street. Come on, how could he even find his loved one, since you basically can’t tell anyone you’re gay.  
Ah, shit, less thinking, more acting, I need to do something. And so, I grab my bag and put it on my lap. I received a weird glance from Gemma, with a questioning look. I need to leave, now, and so I quickly look at my mum, telling her that I wasn’t feeling and so started to run home, without waiting for her answer. I saw some people staring while I was literally running the faster I will ever do, but it was fine, they couldn’t see the bump.  
I run into my room and go into my bed, trying everything to get this bump down, and suddenly I received a text from my mum.  
From Mum:  
Honey, are you okay?  
To mum:  
Yes, don’t worry I wasn’t feeling good, but I guess I just eat something I shouldn’t  
From Mum:  
Don’t you want me to come home?  
I look down… Nope, definitely no, it was still here and I didn’t want her to ask any question about it, because well, what could I answer. First of all, we never talk about sex, even straight ones, especially not with “women” and secondly, she isn’t stupid, she will do the link with the video and … this.  
To mum:  
No don’t worry I’m already feeling better  
From Mum:  
Okay, text me if you need anything.  
Shit, it wasn’t gone. What could I do, what could I do? I never had one like this, it normally just go away like that, what do people do… Isn’t something related to showers? I think I heard it somewhere, of course, nobody was supposed to talk about that, but I may have caught some conversation, and I wasn’t that oblivious.  
I walk, well actually more run to the shower, take off my clothes and start feeling the water on my skin. But was I supposed to take a cold one or a warm one? Shit, I don’t remember, I know I’m not supposed to take one with a “normal” temperature… But was it colder or warmer? Maybe the cold because it would reduce how warm I already feel but maybe the warm would make it shrink because of the pain, maybe it will hurt? ... I don’t know, ughh, let's go for the warm. Then I start to feel the water droplets running on my chest, my tummy, and then to my crotch -and shit no it was definitely not warm. I didn’t think it was possible but it actually went worst. I don’t think that any shower could solve this problem now.  
What do I do? That was actually the only idea I had. What else can I do? There isn’t any other way to make it disappear. Yes, I mean I know that there is one other way, but really, I wasn’t thinking about doing it, right now, in the middle of the afternoon. Yes, I already have a boner but only once or two, but only because the fabric of my pants was rubbing against my crotch, never because of someone. And they weren’t like that. I just had to wait and they would disappear.  
But here I was, and so I started to do it. I didn’t want to, knowing I shouldn’t since I’m not supposed to give myself pleasure, just used my “tools” for a reproduction purpose, but I just need it to go away, and I don’t really have other ways. I just stay in my bed and I take it, well you know what I mean by it, in my hands and start rubbing it up and down but it didn’t seem to work, I get faster and faster, but I didn’t come, and I don’t know, I didn’t feel that much of pleasure like I was supposed to feel, it was great sure, but not amazing. Maybe I was doing it wrong?  
All I succeeded in was for this fucking boner to get even worst. And so, I just run downstairs, take the family laptop, and run even faster upstairs. I opened Google, and well I never really have done that, since normally every time I used internet, I had to be in the living room surrounded by my parents and sister, so I basically write the first thing that came into my mind “porn”. I take the first site, on the first page, opening the first video, and so I take my earphones because even if nobody was home, it had the feeling that I have to, just to make it a little bit more real maybe, and then I start looking at it. Well, it was weird, I didn’t really know if there were a narrative part or if they were already doing stuff at the beginning of the video or if- well I guess that the moan I heard answer my question.  
I start looking at the screen. There was a man who was basically kissing the woman's body all over. She was totally naked but he was wearing all of his clothes, and well the camera was focused on the women body and her fakes moans, and so I begin to move again my hand but nothing helped, even when the man begins to well, put a finger down there and start moving it, making the women move too, I wasn’t feeling anything. But I was looking for the part where we could see the man, trying to see his body through his clothes, and then a little window on the side catches my eyes. All I was seeing was a little gif of two men, in a very intimate kiss, and I tried to look at the screen against it, I really do, but I couldn’t. I mean common I should have come by now, NO? Everyone man would have. I mean the woman was very tall, with blond hair, and a big breast, every man would love that no?  
But no, I couldn’t.  
And so, after having spent my time looking at this GIF, instead of the screen, I sigh and just click on the link. I already sin, so why not doing it entirely, and this was quite a desperate situation.  
And shit- the image just popped up, and my crotch becomes bigger into my hands. I just have seen 3 seconds of the video, which was just two men kissing, one shirtless, and I already find myself so hard, that I know I would come soon. A moan just escaped my mouth as I started to touch my dick even more, and god that feels so right, I feel now the “pleasure” I was supposed to feel, I moan, again and again, louder and louder, watching how one the man was licking around the other man nipples. And with that, I heard the door of my room opened  
“Honey, are you alright, I hear some –“  
And so, she just stayed her, mouth totally opened  
But I couldn’t stop myself, I already reached my climax and so I come. I come on my chest, under my blanket, while looking at gay porn, with a so loud moan, while I could see the shocked expression on my mum face.


End file.
